I Play Pattin' Pattinson!

Okay…Here we go again.

Our sweet boy was on the Ellen show.  Sporting his new buzzed hair, free of nits.  Still quite delicious.

So, I gotta ask… Where are these talk show producers scraping up these so-called fans??

Clearly this Aussie girl was NOT one.

Where my fan-girls at!!

The game starts at around the 2:00 mark

Here is how it would have went down if I were the one in the audience picked.

Oooh goody.  I'm gonna get groped by Donna

Ellen calls me down by name.  And obviously I had no idea this was going to happen so I am shocked and my heart is pounding.  But still cool and calm as I make my way quickly down the steps.

I realize at this point, Rob is being ushered off the stage, but for a brief moment we are there together, and I keep my eyes on HIM the entire time.  I would not be looking at Ellen, like this halfwit.

By this time, his wardrobe choices and shoes would be burned into my brain, because like all fans, we wondered what he would be wearing beforehand.  So I took it all in during the interview part.

Okay, Oxfordy shoes, not the Adidas Sambas, his current trainers of choice.  check.

I introduce myself, blah, blah, blah.  I‘m sure my face is so red hot right now, it looks purple and most likely it hurts from smiling so hard, but I still don’t freak.

Bummer, I can’t touch his face or hair.  Okay, sucks for me, but not a problem. 

“What about his neck?  Can I touch his neck?” I clarify.

Can I put my fingers in his mouth???

We’ll go with “yes” on that. (the neck, not the mouth)

Blindfold goes on, my heart pounds in my ears, and I mentally prepare for what I am looking for.

So apparently she only had 30 seconds and everyone was screaming.  Just a little pressure.

I will first give you the 1^st scenario, where there is no time limit.

So, the Melbourne Moron,  lit-rally “Pats” Pattinson.  
What the Fuck is that?  She looked like she was frisking him for weapons at the airport.  Amateur.

Sir, please step aside.  We need to frisk you.

Nope.  No weapons of mass destruction in his socks.

If it were me, I would touch everywhere and get my face up real close to his.  I start on the shoulders and caress slowly up his neck.  Feel for the moles under his ears.  Using my thumbs, trace the jaw line.  (I technically haven’t touched his face or hair, so we’re cool)

Mind my fingers. That jawline is Sharp!

Then retrace back down to his tummy.  
Note: Rob does NOT have Edward-like marble, six-pack abs.  It should be a little mushy.  He always talks about his potbelly, which I am sure has since become a little beer belly. 

Reach around to the non-ass and give a little squeeze. check.

There's a tushy there somewhere

Feel down further his legs, making sure to discreetly graze the place that he once tucked his “Dali.”  I keep my back to the camera making sure to block myself doing this, so that the angry uptight Twi-fans and Robsten-fans don’t get all self-righteous and uppity about molesting him.  blah, blah, blah.

Do a quick feel of the shoes and make your way back up. check.

Then I would grab hold of those fingers and lace mine with his and probably do a naughty little hand gesture in his, like stroking a finger up and down. (discreetly of course)

Once I got back up to facing him, I would put my face as close as possible to his.  Mouth just centimeters from his and inhale his scent, before placing a very soft kiss on his lips.

nom nom nom

Hey, Ellen didn’t say I couldn’t touch his face with my mouth.  Just my hands!

Repeat with other 2 guys.

Hey, the way I figure it, even if I did break the rules, and forfeit the win, at least I felt up Robert Pattinson and kissed him.  Who cares if I don’t get to go to the premiere.  It’ll be a mad house there anyway. And it’s not like I’m not gonna see the movie five or eleven times in the theater.

So either way… I win!

Okay

Scenario #2 

I really only have 30 seconds.   Pressure!  Hurry!

Do a quick feel of the neck and then the fingers.  Bend his fingers all the way back.  The guy who doesn’t scream in pain is Rob.  Because he clearly has no bones in his hands.

mmmm. sooo bendy

By the time I am starting on the 3^rd guy, I hear Rob giggle.  
I stop dead in my tracks, my head snaps in the direction the beautiful sound just like the Velociraptor in “Jurassic Park.”  Clever Girl.  

and... There’s my guy!

Most likely I will pick correctly and once the reveal was made, I would wrap my arms around him for a good hug.  Being the gentleman that he is, Rob will hug back.  Especially after the rub down, finger fondle and kiss I am sure he will never let go.  And neither will I.  
He then takes me out for dinner and a long session of ….. lemons.

But if God forbid, for some reason I picked the wrong guy.   I would not, I repeat, I WOULD NOT, like this lame brain fan, stay next to the PA guy and introduce myself to him like I just won him on the “Dating Game.”

eeeek. Bad touch! Bad touch!

Really, this chick didn’t even look at Rob until he came over to her.  What. The. FUCK!  She needs to hop on her kangaroo and bounce back down-under before we find her and set her straight!

I don’t blame Australia in all this; after all they gave us the beautiful Emilie DeRavin to loosen him up sex scene wise.

But this bird has to go.  BAD FAN!  You should be ashamed.

Don't worry boo.  I would have found you.

Photos and Video courtesy of @Pilineasalways and @ROBsessedBlog